cindyluwhoo7's Blog

 My life has had so many changes in it recently.  I am getting separated and moving out w/ my daughter.  (hopefully by March 1st).  I am leaving behind 2 step-kids that never accepted my love...who in turn hated me more each day because I was the only one truly showing it to them!  I'm also leaving behind a husband... who isn't a bad man... he's just not for me.  We are trying to rebuild the friendship we once had (which I missed a lot) and I am hopeful that we can get to that point someday.  So far, we are off to an okay start on that process.

I am trying to regain "ME" again.  My Strength, My Compassion, My Trust in people but mostly My Ability to love myself again.

Part of me feels guilty for being excited about these changes... but I know that this is the right thing for me and my daughter...she is my life and I need to make her's as wonderful as SHE is.

There is a bit of fear ... but nothing like I thought it would be.  I am working thru some of my smaller phobias (with great success).  

This whole experience has shown me, so far anyways, that I really AM strong, I really CAN do it and that I truly NEED to.

Thanks to all my friends who love and understand me for WHO I AM! 

 I cry inside at the sadness so far in the depths of my soul.
I cry for me, the child that just wanted love instead was shown nothing but comtempt.
I cry for me, the Mother that has done all she can do but is still made to fee like nothing.
I cry for the beautiful person in me that wants to be seen and loved. 
I cry even harder because I shouldn't have to be crying over that... that should occur naturally.
I cry for the Loneliness that is me.

I cry because so many times I have needed someone to be there for me and yet no one came.
I cry for the teenager who was raped and had to cover it up (figuratively and physically)
I cry for the young woman who went through a breast cancer scare and surgery by herself because no one thought it was important enough of an issue to hold my hand, instead they made "breast reduction jokes".
As strong as we may seem... having someone at your side when you need them most still helps... but my side had been empty for too long.

I cry because I am buried so far inside of me that no one can find me because no one ever took the time to look deep enough into me.

I cry because I have internal and external scars that have healed on outward appearances but are still there and still painful because I was to blame for them even though I did nothing to cause them.

I cry because I don't ask for much... just the honesty and trust I give to be returned and yet..

i cry because I don't want much... I never have... I just want what everyone else wants. To be and feel special and yet...

I cry because I don't need much... I don't need cars and furs and jewerly... I just need to appreciated and understood and yet...

I cry because I feel so scared and alone... 

I'm cry because I know what goes on in my mind...

I'm by myself in this.... so I cry for me